When your words just aren't enough..

When fighting through the pain just doesnt seem possible..

When it's not your turn to cry..

When your faith seems pointless

When you are disappointed time and time again..

When you just want to scream

When you want to give up..

There is Jesus... Standing by your side! Never will He leave you! Until He has done what he has spoken to you!!

Jesus, be the centre, be my hope, be my song... <3

I could try to write a novel
I could even try to write a poem,

but I cant even try to express in a sentence how I feel

all I know is I'm scared
and lonely again

where do I go from here?

Year Two...

year two..
everything is still the same
the world goes by
day by day

I miss you

I remember the way you walked
I remember the way you smelt
I remember how you used to kiss me goodnight

I miss you

I remember the mornings we would snuggle in your bed
(the sleepovers werent the same without it)
I remember the games you used to play with us
(like it was yesterday)

I miss you

I remember the flowers and how you used to water them
(your house always had the best)
I remember making crafts with you
(secretly I think mom loved them more than she let on)

I miss you

I remember you had to take your teeth out at night
(someday I wanted to have to do it too)
I remember "hupa-hupa-rightaa" and taking turns being on your lap
(I hated that part)

I miss you

I remember you would never complain, even if the pain was unbearable
(you didnt want us to see you like that)
I remember your hugs
(you started to get thinner and thinner)

I miss you

I remember 2 years ago sitting in your hospital room
(I left because I couldnt stand to see you like that)
I remember leaving and saying "I love you Opa"
(you responded through the pain.. "Ich liebe dich" - I love you in German)

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

everyday
every minute
every second

I know you are with Jesus now
but it is hard for me to not miss you
I love you very much
you taught me true love
someday I hope I make you proud
someday I hope I can be like you
someday I hope I can love like you did
someday I hope I will see you again

♥

"I loved who I got to be with him.
Even though I didn't do anything amazing, for me it was.
I felt like I knew myself for the first time."

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday."

This is me swallowing my pride
standing in front of you saying
I'm sorry for that night.

I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom is nothing but missing you
wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I go back to December turn around and make it alright

I go back to December all the time

"waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought.

Useless and disappointing."

I'm not sure I can deal with this anymore
I've tried to give it up,
but somehow the way you walk,
the way you talk,
the constant struggle for attention
makes me physically ill when I'm arround you.

I dont want to feel this way towards you
I'm not sure how to forgive you though
It makes me so angry
I can barely stand to look at you.
The pain and the hurt from times before
the arrogance in the way you carry yourself

you had better not make a mistake
the world is watching you now
your posse will not show you grace
you're their leader
once you screw up
we all know where you will go.
I'm just waiting for the day.

talking about you hurts

not talking about you hurts even more

Im tired of waiting.
I just want you to ask me.
Just to open your heart to me,
to say it.
I didnt know it was that hard.
Im tired of waiting.

I dont remember what your voice sounds like...

has it been that long?

Ive officially lost all respect for you.

I hope you are happy.

Im not.

You officially suck (because I cant write anything worse)

Ugh.

Have a nice life.

:(

m e m o r i e s
slipping away,
i try to remember you.
it's like you were never there.

m e m o r i e s

the way we talked.

the way we walked.

i wish we could go back.

m e m o r i e s

thats all I have now.

secrets, secrets that people wrote. sometimes their voice just needs to be heard.

"sometimes when im driving home at night, i speed and try to hit the potholes so ill get in a horrible car accident and die."

"I see you look at me, and its like youre a whole different person now."

"He already knows"

"its like you are slowly slipping away... please stop."

"you dont know me well enough... stop acting like you do."

just like everyone else,
you deleted me from your life...

the part that hurts is you PROMISED to be different.

i dont know whats going on.

im scared.

i dont want it to happen all over again.

i cant stop myself.

i feel like im drowning.

i miss you...

angel from my nightmare

if you really knew me, you would know that i hate talking about my feelings, my true feelings anyways. if you really knew me, you would know that i cant stand when people dont wear socks with running shoes. if you really knew me, you would know that im nice to a lot of peoples faces, but i really cant stand them. if you really knew me, you would know that im not the happy girl i appear to be. if you really knew me, you would know that i hate my doctor because he is a creepy old man. if you really knew me, you would know that i was depressed, i felt better, and now i feel it coming back. if you really knew me, you would know that im happy for you, but i think you are making a big mistake. if you really knew me, you would know that im insanely jealous of every person that has found real love. if you really knew me, you would know that i feel like the outsider, even in my own family. if you really knew me, you would know that a trip to walmart can solve any problem i have with anything, well, while im there anyways. if you really knew me, you would know that i guard my heart a lot. if you really knew me, you would know that i trust people i dont even know more than people i am great friends with because they cant hurt me as bad as someone i care about can. if you really knew me, you would know that a single hug from my dog can make me feel happy. if you really knew me, you would know that i feel like a failure. if you really knew me, you would know that i dont want to live. if you really knew me, you would know that im terrified of dying. if you really knew me, you would know that i have a soft spot in my heart for people who are lonely. if you really knew me, you would know that i love my family conditionally. if you really knew me, you would know that i like to laugh because it gives me a reason to smile. if you really knew me, you would know that i actually like my job, drama and all. if you really knew me, you would know that i just want to be loved by someone who doesnt 'have' to. if you really knew me, you would know that i am scared you know so much about me. if you really know me, you would know that i hate horses. if you really knew me, you would know that i miss Ukraine with all my heart, it even hurts sometimes. if you really knew me, you would know that when i see certain people, i have pains in my heart, physical pains. if you really knew me, you would know that i wish i could see angels. if you really knew me, you would know that i like driving my soccer mom van because it used to by my opa's. if you really knew me, you would know that i miss my opa with everything that is in me. if you really knew me, you would know that i want to name my first child bentley. if you really knew me, you would know that i have a tattoo about a 'free heart' when i still dont think my heart is free. if you really knew me, you would know that this past week i really hurt, more than i let on. if you really knew me, you would know that i wish i didnt bite my nails. if you really knew me...........

i really want to talk to you.
but have been putting it off...
im scared of those four words.


"I TOLD YOU SO..."

i just need the courage.