*20*

post secret:

i cry every year on my birthday.

not because i am happy

but because i am disappointed,

someone lets me down

or i just feel alone.

even if my phone doesnt stop ringing

even if that person doesnt matter

and even if its just something little.

every year.

its always the same.



Happy Birthday to me... :(

family ♥

my family.

they love me no matter what.

they are there for me no matter what.

i love them so much.

♥

t.h.e.p.a.s.t

the past.
its a scary place.
a place that people never want to relive.
a place where their fears are revealed.
a place that everyone trys to get away from.

there is healing in our past.
healing in the mistakes we have made.
the fact that we move on,
and learn to see the truth that came out of the past.
to see the fact that we are no longer in the past.

the past is supposed to be forgotten.
the past is supposed to be yesterday's problem.
but somehow you still haunt me everyday.
your fragrance.
your touch.
your soft words.
your ability to make me smile like no one else.
your security.
everything i know is in you.

as i try to break free of you..
everytime i get a sign or a message that says you still want me.
but.... Today that is over.

im tired of being hurt.
tired of being used.
tired of being second best.
tired of being humiliated.
tired of my emotions being displayed with nothing to take from it.

you are my past.
you are yesterday's problem.

I will never forget you.
but i will learn from the hurt, pain, and fear you caused me.

YOU ARE MY PAST

waiting

she sits.
and waits.
its nothing out of the ordinary
time she tries to pass every single day
the times when she is alone, and without anyone.
the times that her soul longs to be with people.
a feeling of fear runs through her body
people actually trust her to be alone?
the obviously dont know the pain that is eating her inside
the feelings of trial and seperation.
anxiety, and frustration.
but the most important,
the lonliness.

she sits.
and waits.
in the lobby of a large empty school
a school that was filled with hundreds of students just hours ago
some older and mature, some young and naive
some dark and some light, some happy and some sad
some filled with fear, some filled with peace
some filled with pain, and some filled with joy.
but somehow she feels like she cant relate to anyone.

she sits.
and waits.
and feels hurt and afraid
like there is something missing in her life.
like there is a hole, un-fillable
a place that no one knows deep inside her is broken,
bleeding
wounded.
SHATTERED.

secrets...

♥

loved
sharing
the
past
couple
days
with
you

♥

discouraged.

we are sitting around the table.
the questions are starting to be asked.

#1. how was your summer? ... anything exciting?
a safe question.. i answer fully, and leave nothing out.

#2. how is your relationship with God doing at this point in time?
wow.. we jump straight to the point around here...
we start to go around the circle...
first. doing good very excited about what God is doing in their life and peoples lives around them.
second.doing good as well, a few things to work on.
third. thinking about life, and God and what is going on and how to solve some problems.
fourth. wise, but never grows tooo old to learn.
fifth. to be honest i couldnt really hear, so i thought about what i was going to say.
sixth. dealing with the tempting pressures of the world around. but still standing strong.
seventh. sure of God's call, and knows this is a sure thing.
eighth. ME. "My relationship with God is a work in progress."
tenth. realized how blessed we are.
eleventh. learned to communicate with people.
twelfth. a heart for the hurting.

the end of that question.
dissappointed, and discouraged.
the rest of the night just seemed to drag on, not knowing what to say... or if i really even wanted to be there, or listen to what is going on in others lives anymore. everyone else seemed like they had it all together, and knew exactly what God was telling them. when right beside them in the little corner was me, feeling confused, feeling discouraged, feeling like a horrible person.

from this day on.
i refuse to feel like that.
when someone asks me again how my realationship with God is going.
Im going to have an anwer that says how i learned to hear His voice.
how He is the strength and the power i need.
how i am going to love Him with all my heart.

from this day on.

*oldschool*

So why dont you meet me,

down behind our old school.

We'll waste away the weekend,

with perfect regard for how

cavalier we used to be,

that beautiful insanity.

The apathy surrounding me,

dont close your eyes or we'll fade away.

SMILE :)

you make me smile - like the sun

fall out of bed

sing like a bird - dizzy in my head

spin like a record

crazy on a sunday night.

you make me dance - like a fool

forget how to breathe

shine like gold - buzz like a bee

just the thought of you can drive me wild.

Oh you make me SMILE ♥

t.o.m.o.r.r.o.w

i have cried.
i have hurt.
i have lied.
i have morned.
i have given up.
i am broken.
i have wanted to die.
i have hurt someone else.
i have tried it on my own.
i am angry.
i am jealous.
i am selfish.
i am self-concious.
i am tired.

i smile.
i am better.
i speak the truth.
i know that tomorrow is filled with hope.
i perservere.
i am mended.
i hope.
i appoligize.
i gave it to God.
i am relieved.
i am content.
i share.
i see beauty.
i have new life.

..::♥::..

When all else fades

my soul will dance

with you,

where the love lasts forever

..::imagine::..

imagine a place.

where the streets are filled with cheer.

imagine a place.

where the laughter is pure and innocent.

imagine a place.

where the lonely are accompanied.

imagine a place.

where how you look is acceptable.

imagine a place.

where love is shown - a real love.

imagine a place.

where kids can just be kids.

imagine a place.

where people can be themselves.

ITS NOT AS FAR AS YOU THINK

A Jewel's just a rock put under enormous heat and pressure.

Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look.

if tomorrow starts without me ♥

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

-David Romano

When tomorrow starts without me,

And I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

and each time that you think of me,

I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

and said my place was ready,

In heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind

All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye

For all my life,

I'd always thought,

I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared,

and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday

Just even for a while,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,

And all I've promised you."

Today your life on earth is past,

But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day's the same way

There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,

So trusting and so true.

Though there were times

You did some things

You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven

And now at last you're free.

So won't you come and take my hand

And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I'm right here, in your heart.

*july 15th

Lately I've been having nightmares

where I am cut into so many pieces

that there isnt enough of me

to be put back together

-anna fitzgerald

My Sister's Keeper

True

love

waits

*july 12*

We speak to nations

Be open

We speak to nations

Fall on your knees

We speak to nations

The kingdom is coming near to you

Oh we speak to strongholds

Be broken

Power of darkness

You have to flee

We speak to nations

The kingdom is coming near to you

Be free

Acceptance

acceptance in this world is vital.
you make one wrong decision and your friends abandon you,
your family disowns you,
and everything you have grown to love is gone.

being the kind of person you want to be is overrated
nothing you can do will make you good enough to be part of the "crowd"
you begin to feel lonely and ashamed of who you are.

a dark hole begins to dig deeper and deeper into your being
you feel like a completely different person,
you begin to put on an act infront of everyone.

you convince yourself, and everyone you know that you are ok
you begin to hide your true feelings
deep down inside nobody knows what you are fighting - not even the closest friend.

Feelings of anxiety and remorse fill your heart
your life begins to have no purpose.

THEN

in the blink of an eye..
you are standing to your feet
with thousands of people around you,
each of them with a struggle of their own

IF THEY CAN DO IT WHY CAN'T YOU?

if they can ask their saviour to come and fill their dark hole,
why cant you?

if they can lift their arms in surrender and announce their one love,
why cant you?

if they can show the world their love for one man,
why cant you?

What is holding you back?
what is keeping you from a freedom you have never felt before?
what is telling you lies to keep you burdened?
what is this darkness that is stronger than the light?

the speaker goes on...

if you experience thoughts of suicide..
if you dont think you are good enough..
if you feel like you have nothing to live for..
if you struggle with pornography..
if you struggle with lust..
if you are addicted to things you shouldnt be..
if you have burdens you are tired of carrying..
if you want to be FREE

i ask you to say one thing...
shout it louder than you have ever shouted it..

I WANT MY EYE BACK
I WANT TO KEEP IT..
I WANT TO BE FREE...
I WANT WHAT GOD WANTS FOR ME!



It was that day that I became FREE


*Behold I am with you and I will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will NOT leave you until I have dont what I have spoken to you. - Genesis 28:15