"He loves us, Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves"
This is real, and this is for me.
I have to tell myself that as I sit in the pew surrounded by teenagers.
Normally the alter call is given, and I stay back,
but tonight, something different is inside me.
"It's time Julie, give it to Me." - these are the words that rang softly over and over in my head.
Tired of fighting, I go up to the front and sit on the ground by the side, hoping no one notices im there.
I pray.
I cry.
I surrender.
Just when im about to leave, Im approached by the last person I want to see.
I knew as soon as he came and sat beside me that I would be free from the hurting, but I wasnt sure I was ready. I was scared.
"you know you have to give this up... are you ready?"
"of course im ready. im tired of carrying this pain and hurt around for so long."
"then repent and tell God you are sorry. Tell him you need him, and want him to fill the void."
long story short. I did.
and now please see inside what I was going through:
About 2 years ago, I was deeply hurt and my life was destroyed by someone who doesnt even know what they did. I was left alone in the world, when everything I know was tied to that person. My parents and I were fighting more and more, and I didnt have anywhere to go, but deep inside myself. It was then that I built a wall. Not a physical wall (although at some points it felt like it), but a wall in my heart. With each and everyday my heart that was once so tender and loving became something that I didnt even know, black, cold, careless. Something that I tried to cover up. I think I did pretty well. I was scared to let people in, scared to show them my true self, for fear of rejection and hurt. I decided that it was easier to build a wall, and not let people get too close to me so that if this rejection did come along, it wouldnt hurt because I had something to protect my heart. For a while it worked. But little did I know it was slowly making me someone I didnt even want to be, someone I was not proud of at all. Slowly my closest friends (the ones that I knew I could let in) began to realize that I had this wall, and they called me out on it. I became the girl "who had lots of love to give, but who couldnt let anyone love her back." So that brought me to January 15, 2010, the day that it all changed. With a little repentance, and forgivness. The wall that was surrounding my heart has been destroyed. I am now the girl who has lots of love to give, and can let others express that back to her. It was that night that God let me know just how beautiful, special, and important I am, not only to Him, but to many others around me. For a long time I literally felt a physical wall surrounding my heart, but now I am proud to say I am FREE.. i can breath again. So with that, I would just like to say...
Thank you.
- to the ones that fought to tear down the wall, even though in the end it was me that had to break it.
- to my family, for sticking through this with me, even though you had no idea why i was so hard to live with
- to the many leaders and pastor in my amazing youth group, who werent always sure what was going on, but made me feel welcome anyways.
- to God, for helping my break down the wall, and helping me see me. (the way He views me)
serisouly THANK YOU <3
