i dont know whats going on.

im scared.

i dont want it to happen all over again.

i cant stop myself.

i feel like im drowning.

i miss you...

angel from my nightmare

if you really knew me, you would know that i hate talking about my feelings, my true feelings anyways. if you really knew me, you would know that i cant stand when people dont wear socks with running shoes. if you really knew me, you would know that im nice to a lot of peoples faces, but i really cant stand them. if you really knew me, you would know that im not the happy girl i appear to be. if you really knew me, you would know that i hate my doctor because he is a creepy old man. if you really knew me, you would know that i was depressed, i felt better, and now i feel it coming back. if you really knew me, you would know that im happy for you, but i think you are making a big mistake. if you really knew me, you would know that im insanely jealous of every person that has found real love. if you really knew me, you would know that i feel like the outsider, even in my own family. if you really knew me, you would know that a trip to walmart can solve any problem i have with anything, well, while im there anyways. if you really knew me, you would know that i guard my heart a lot. if you really knew me, you would know that i trust people i dont even know more than people i am great friends with because they cant hurt me as bad as someone i care about can. if you really knew me, you would know that a single hug from my dog can make me feel happy. if you really knew me, you would know that i feel like a failure. if you really knew me, you would know that i dont want to live. if you really knew me, you would know that im terrified of dying. if you really knew me, you would know that i have a soft spot in my heart for people who are lonely. if you really knew me, you would know that i love my family conditionally. if you really knew me, you would know that i like to laugh because it gives me a reason to smile. if you really knew me, you would know that i actually like my job, drama and all. if you really knew me, you would know that i just want to be loved by someone who doesnt 'have' to. if you really knew me, you would know that i am scared you know so much about me. if you really know me, you would know that i hate horses. if you really knew me, you would know that i miss Ukraine with all my heart, it even hurts sometimes. if you really knew me, you would know that when i see certain people, i have pains in my heart, physical pains. if you really knew me, you would know that i wish i could see angels. if you really knew me, you would know that i like driving my soccer mom van because it used to by my opa's. if you really knew me, you would know that i miss my opa with everything that is in me. if you really knew me, you would know that i want to name my first child bentley. if you really knew me, you would know that i have a tattoo about a 'free heart' when i still dont think my heart is free. if you really knew me, you would know that this past week i really hurt, more than i let on. if you really knew me, you would know that i wish i didnt bite my nails. if you really knew me...........

i really want to talk to you.
but have been putting it off...
im scared of those four words.


"I TOLD YOU SO..."

i just need the courage.

on the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright.

but this thing turned out so evil
i dont know why im still surprised.

even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes

but you'll always be my hero
even though you lost your mind.

dear: you know who you are.

I dont know if you will still read this,
I hope you do.
You were the one that inspired me to keep writing.
To get my feelings out there for the world to read.
Well, the blogger world anyways.
Yesterday you made a choice.
A choice that affected me a lot.
A choice that im surprisingly ok with.
Maybe because I know its the right thing.
I know you never intended to hurt me.
I know you still want the best for me.
And all the times we talked, and the things we shared.
I know it was genuine.
Im not mad or angry with you.
Ill admit im a little disappointed.
But honestly dont worry about me,
Ill be fine ... I pinky promise.
You were more than someone I cared deeply about.
You were one of my best friends.
Thats the part I think ill miss the most.
Thats the part that hurts the most.
Not the fact that you are with her, and your family.
Im actually happy for you.
I really want the best for all of you.
Im just sad we cant be friends.
Sad I wont know what is going on in your life.
Sad that you wont know what is going on in mine.
Sad I wont get to celebrate victories with you,
Sad I wont get to vent about stupid people to you.
I dont regret anything.
Im actually sure all this made me a better person.
It made me stronger.
I know more about who I am, and what I actually want in life.
You were an inspiration to me.
Thank you for being there for me.
When everyone else turned away.
Thank you for everything you did for me.
I still have only good things to say about you.
I still think you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met.
She is one lucky girl


Sincerely,
my heart.

i can feel it coming on again.
it hurts.
im scared.

i dont have it all together.

i get that.

your words (and everyone elses for that matter) cut deep.

it hurts.

why cant I be the happy girl for once?

its not fair.

I need you to know..

I LOVE YOU

(with all my heart)

just in case you forgot

You hurt me.

You said you wouldnt say anything,
you did.

You hurt me.

Im not allowed to hurt you.
but,

YOU HURT ME.
(just thought you should know)

I was trying to fly

but I couldnt find wings

Then you came along and changed everything

Watched from a distance as you made life your own

Every sky was your own kind of blue

and I wanted to know

how that would feel

and you made it so real

you showed me something that I couldnt see

opened my eyes and made me believe

you lift my feet off the ground

spin me around

you make me crazier, crazier

feels like im falling and I

I'm lost in your eyes

you make me crazier, crazier