Im tired of waiting.
I just want you to ask me.
Just to open your heart to me,
to say it.
I didnt know it was that hard.
Im tired of waiting.

I dont remember what your voice sounds like...

has it been that long?

Ive officially lost all respect for you.

I hope you are happy.

Im not.

You officially suck (because I cant write anything worse)

Ugh.

Have a nice life.

:(

m e m o r i e s
slipping away,
i try to remember you.
it's like you were never there.

m e m o r i e s

the way we talked.

the way we walked.

i wish we could go back.

m e m o r i e s

thats all I have now.

secrets, secrets that people wrote. sometimes their voice just needs to be heard.

"sometimes when im driving home at night, i speed and try to hit the potholes so ill get in a horrible car accident and die."

"I see you look at me, and its like youre a whole different person now."

"He already knows"

"its like you are slowly slipping away... please stop."

"you dont know me well enough... stop acting like you do."

just like everyone else,
you deleted me from your life...

the part that hurts is you PROMISED to be different.

i dont know whats going on.

im scared.

i dont want it to happen all over again.

i cant stop myself.

i feel like im drowning.

i miss you...

angel from my nightmare

if you really knew me, you would know that i hate talking about my feelings, my true feelings anyways. if you really knew me, you would know that i cant stand when people dont wear socks with running shoes. if you really knew me, you would know that im nice to a lot of peoples faces, but i really cant stand them. if you really knew me, you would know that im not the happy girl i appear to be. if you really knew me, you would know that i hate my doctor because he is a creepy old man. if you really knew me, you would know that i was depressed, i felt better, and now i feel it coming back. if you really knew me, you would know that im happy for you, but i think you are making a big mistake. if you really knew me, you would know that im insanely jealous of every person that has found real love. if you really knew me, you would know that i feel like the outsider, even in my own family. if you really knew me, you would know that a trip to walmart can solve any problem i have with anything, well, while im there anyways. if you really knew me, you would know that i guard my heart a lot. if you really knew me, you would know that i trust people i dont even know more than people i am great friends with because they cant hurt me as bad as someone i care about can. if you really knew me, you would know that a single hug from my dog can make me feel happy. if you really knew me, you would know that i feel like a failure. if you really knew me, you would know that i dont want to live. if you really knew me, you would know that im terrified of dying. if you really knew me, you would know that i have a soft spot in my heart for people who are lonely. if you really knew me, you would know that i love my family conditionally. if you really knew me, you would know that i like to laugh because it gives me a reason to smile. if you really knew me, you would know that i actually like my job, drama and all. if you really knew me, you would know that i just want to be loved by someone who doesnt 'have' to. if you really knew me, you would know that i am scared you know so much about me. if you really know me, you would know that i hate horses. if you really knew me, you would know that i miss Ukraine with all my heart, it even hurts sometimes. if you really knew me, you would know that when i see certain people, i have pains in my heart, physical pains. if you really knew me, you would know that i wish i could see angels. if you really knew me, you would know that i like driving my soccer mom van because it used to by my opa's. if you really knew me, you would know that i miss my opa with everything that is in me. if you really knew me, you would know that i want to name my first child bentley. if you really knew me, you would know that i have a tattoo about a 'free heart' when i still dont think my heart is free. if you really knew me, you would know that this past week i really hurt, more than i let on. if you really knew me, you would know that i wish i didnt bite my nails. if you really knew me...........

i really want to talk to you.
but have been putting it off...
im scared of those four words.


"I TOLD YOU SO..."

i just need the courage.

on the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright.

but this thing turned out so evil
i dont know why im still surprised.

even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes

but you'll always be my hero
even though you lost your mind.

dear: you know who you are.

I dont know if you will still read this,
I hope you do.
You were the one that inspired me to keep writing.
To get my feelings out there for the world to read.
Well, the blogger world anyways.
Yesterday you made a choice.
A choice that affected me a lot.
A choice that im surprisingly ok with.
Maybe because I know its the right thing.
I know you never intended to hurt me.
I know you still want the best for me.
And all the times we talked, and the things we shared.
I know it was genuine.
Im not mad or angry with you.
Ill admit im a little disappointed.
But honestly dont worry about me,
Ill be fine ... I pinky promise.
You were more than someone I cared deeply about.
You were one of my best friends.
Thats the part I think ill miss the most.
Thats the part that hurts the most.
Not the fact that you are with her, and your family.
Im actually happy for you.
I really want the best for all of you.
Im just sad we cant be friends.
Sad I wont know what is going on in your life.
Sad that you wont know what is going on in mine.
Sad I wont get to celebrate victories with you,
Sad I wont get to vent about stupid people to you.
I dont regret anything.
Im actually sure all this made me a better person.
It made me stronger.
I know more about who I am, and what I actually want in life.
You were an inspiration to me.
Thank you for being there for me.
When everyone else turned away.
Thank you for everything you did for me.
I still have only good things to say about you.
I still think you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met.
She is one lucky girl


Sincerely,
my heart.

i can feel it coming on again.
it hurts.
im scared.

i dont have it all together.

i get that.

your words (and everyone elses for that matter) cut deep.

it hurts.

why cant I be the happy girl for once?

its not fair.

I need you to know..

I LOVE YOU

(with all my heart)

just in case you forgot

You hurt me.

You said you wouldnt say anything,
you did.

You hurt me.

Im not allowed to hurt you.
but,

YOU HURT ME.
(just thought you should know)

I was trying to fly

but I couldnt find wings

Then you came along and changed everything

Watched from a distance as you made life your own

Every sky was your own kind of blue

and I wanted to know

how that would feel

and you made it so real

you showed me something that I couldnt see

opened my eyes and made me believe

you lift my feet off the ground

spin me around

you make me crazier, crazier

feels like im falling and I

I'm lost in your eyes

you make me crazier, crazier

if you really knew me,

you would know that i hate this part,
and i hate you for being there.
stop pretending.

- thanks.

you dont know me.

sincerely,
your long lost friend.

you make me smile like the sun

fall out of bed

sing like a bird

dizzy in my head

spin like a record

crazy on a sunday night

you make me dance like a fool

forget how to breathe

shine like gold

buzz like a bee

just the thought of you can make me SMILE

♥

if you really knew me...

you would know that this was the day I became a burden.

I just want you to love me again.

the list:

- loves God with his whole heart
- loves me for who I am
- Caring
- Sensitive yet manly
- loves family
- good with children
- supporting
- generous
- Trustworthy
- Sense of Humor
- Musical
- Active
- has a good job


*list subject to change** more things may be added...

When I first started blogging, it was about me, and my journey of trying to figure out this thing we call life. Its hard to believe that was nearly 2 years ago. It seems like just yesterday when I was filled with hatred and sadness for random people that were walking down the street. Sometimes Ill admit, I feel the same way that I did 2 years ago. The same feelings that I felt then about how I wanted nothing to do with anyone, come rushing back. I know that I have you know. I know its a new year, a new season... a new day. I know that you will be there when I turn around and see no one. Its hard to see you, sometimes I think I do in some way, shape or form. You are my rock.

You always kept me by your side.

post secret:

Today I stayed home and hung curtains in my room.

It taught me that maybe I dont need you.

Maybe I can do this on my own.

He already knows

We were all friends
she lied, cheated me, stole things that I worked hard to get
she minipulated the situation so that I always looked like the bad guy
she made you love her more than you do me
what else is new though?
it seems that is always how she treated me
I have reason to believe she always will
I love you very much
you were like a little brother to me
I never judged you
and in return you never judged me
when I was hurting you were the first person that I would call
its all different now
I rarely see you
IT HURTS
you talk to her and not me
IT HURTS
you are a different person
IT HURTS
you are more like her
IT HURTS
do you even see me?
do you even care?
all I want to do is wrap my arms around you
tell you how the things you are going through are just gonna hurt you
she encourages you to keep doing them
all i wanna do is pray with you
make sure you are thinking straight
she doesnt care what you feel like, its all about her
all i wanna do is love you
but IT HURTS too much

Secrets

Secrets of hurting people...
Secrets that most of us identify with...


*Do you know how bad it hurts when I walk past you in the hallways and you act like I'm nothing?
How I told you how I felt and you just blew it off?
It hurts badly.
No one understands why it does, but I do.
And I know you do too.
Was it so hard for you just to say "I don't love you."?

*Megan, I know you read this site every day.
Please stop cutting.
I don't know what will make you stop, but a lot of people see them.
We're all scared.
We're not as close as we used to be, but I still love you.
Please, please, stop cutting.

*A lot of people comment on how I smile so often.
I put on a smile because I'm waiting for someone to see through it and see my grief, and give me the hug I've been waiting for.
Especially him.

*I have Cystic Fibrosis.
Because it's hard to digest food, I'm extremely underweight.
Whenever I go to the pool and see a bigger girl in a swim suit I get jealous.
I wish my swim suit didn't sag and look bad.
To all the bigger girls who are uncomfortable with their bodies:
You are beautiful. I promise.

I dont know if I can do this

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OPA ♥

I LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH!

everytime im around you

i cant help but fall for you

when you are happy,

when you are sad,

when you are angry,

and when you are adorable

its like my heart goes out to you whenever

I hate that you have a hold on it.

its like i cant get you out of my head,

or heart.

i wish things were different,

that we could just be friends

but i dont know if that will ever happen

I might always love you

every night the tears come

every night its the same

the hours pass by

you never check to see if i am ok

everything that comes out of your mouth hurts

im sorry im such a failure

I wish you could love me unconditionally.

today you called me selfish..
it hurt

it hurts more because you of all people should know
I HATE MYSELF.

confession time:

I couldnt be happier for the two of you
you make me smile
because you are contantly smiling around each other
im really excited about dinner thursday

♥

i always think its gonna be ok too soon

with you.

you build me up,

and then tear me down.

im tired of hurting

cant you see the pain?

you are the one person i dont hide it from

this has gone on too long

♥

lately the working hasnt bothered me

i dont know what it is,

but i know that you still have time for me,

and you still love me with all your heart

I wish for a minute

we could actually spend some time together though

i miss just sitting at home with you

♥

you cause lots of drama in my life

but its ok

because no matter what

im here for you

not matter who cuts you down

ill always be there to pick you back up

even though sometimes its hard to show

i love you very much

no matter how many "hookers" there are.

♥

Im mad at you
I cant tell you that to your face.
... i cant hurt you
i dont know why
seeing as you hurt me everytime you're around
every time you say her name
every time you admit to doing stupid shit
i still have a place for you in my heart
i still have a desire to talk to you
i still cant get you out of my head
... it hurts
and yes... it is "something you did"

♥

im giving up on you

its been too long

you arent ready

i want to be

but you need time

i wish i saw you more

♥

every time someone mentions your name

i cringe a little inside

its been coming up alot lately

and it hurts every time

if i would have known back then,

i wouldnt have treated you the way i did

i wish

i wish

i wish it didnt have to end like this

♥

you know what you did

and God will be the judge

... just saying

you hurt alot of people

stay out of our lives

stay out of my friends lives too

♥

i wanna be where you are
i wanna walk like you
i wanna talk like you
i wanna be where you are
i wanna be beside you
i wanna be in your presence
i wanna be where you are

♥

its in the movies
its at the local store
its at the coffee shop on a lunch break
its on the street corner waiting for the light to change
its around the pool on a lazy summer day
its what summer is all about
it cant be stored
it cant be bought
it cant be faked
its too real to be anything but extrordinary
its the butterfly feeling in your stomach
its taken for granted all the time


but if I ever had it,
it would be the most precious thing ever.


something to dream about

UGH STOP

post secret

sunday secret

sometimes i lie awake at night

wondering what you dream about.

who is on your mind

who you hate,

who you adore

what makes you the most sad

what makes you the most happy

sometimes i lie awake at night

wondering what you dream about

and if its ever me?

I MISS YOU BOTH SOOOOOO INCREDIBLY MUCH

I CANT GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD

♥

In her world a boats a yacht

a king size beds a cot

A millions not a lot

Im just trying to get paid for what i say on stage

But if your already paid then i guess you got it made

Your a rich girl and it's gone to far

Cause you know it don't matter anyway

You can rely on the old mans money,

you can rely on the old mans money

It's a bitch girl and it's gone to far

cause you know it don't matter anyway

Say money, money wont get you too far, get you too far

today everything changes
dont worry about me
ill be fine

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG?

im never funny enough...
im never tall enough...
im never open enough...
im never willing enough...
im never skinny enough...
im never smart enough...
im never nice enough...
im never going to have the perfect hair..
im never good enough...

What the hell is wrong with me?

im only enough on the days no one else is there for you.

for you to talk to

for you to befriend

for you to acknowledge

for you to be seen with

for you to "love"

now that I look at it that way,

YOU ARE JUST LIKE HER!

no wonder im so attracted to you.

Its all ive known my whole life.

I have nothing nice to say,
and this is where I need to get this off my chest...

You are straight up mean,
and it makes me sad.
Im tired of your games,
and LIES!!!!
and crap that goes on...
Im tired of you giving me the "holy" speech,
when you have no idea what you are talking about..
its made up,
to make you sound better than everyone else...
IM TIRED OF IT! :(

you embarassed me today..
something that doesnt happen often,
but today it did...
Its gonna take alot for me to forgive you.
I dont think I can right now.

I'm not perfect,

but I keep trying

'Cause that's what I said

I would do from the start

I'm not alive if I'm lonely,

so please don't leave

Was it something I said

or just my personality?

post secret:

You are the only person who has ever cared about me that much.
I blew you off..
Now you are about to get married.
Everyday of my life I regret not giving you a chance.
At least one of us is happy.

im remembering you today

even though I wish I thought about you everyday

today was a beautiful day

one that you taught me to cherish

today I would have loved to spend with you

sitting and talking

or not even speaking a word at all

just being with you made me happy

it hurts that you had to leave

I wish you could come back

but you are with Jesus now

and i'm jealous

I loved you very much

even if sometimes I didnt show it

You taught me alot about life

and how to love others

when you left me, and us

it hurt more than words can say

it was like I couldnt show anyone love anymore

I just need you to know,

thats changing..

im learning again to love like you taught me to,

but more importantly how Jesus is teaching me

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH

and MISS YOU ALOT

im not waiting for the rain anymore

Come down to the river

Come and let yourself in

Make good on a promise

To never hurt again

If you're lost and lonely

You're Broken down

Bring all of your troubles

Come lay 'em down

All you sinners

And the weak at heart

All you helpless

On the boulevards

Wherever you are now

Whatever evil you've found

Bring all of your troubles

And come lay 'em down

i love when you come to visit because:

- you bring your family and i love them very much ♥

- you tell me what you really feel, not some bullshit answer everyone else says

- you treat me like part of your family

- you encourage me to be a better person

- we can joke, and no one else gets the sarcasm but me and you

- you help my parents to relax and that takes the pressure off me

- you believe in me

- you love me for me

♥ thank you for saving my life

you were the only one who cared

you are scared of me and her..

and him and her,

rightfully so

"hurting people hurt others"

i cant watch while you hurt the ones i love anymore.

im done.

its confession time again...

lately its been hard with you,
i never know what its going to be like when i walk in the door.
sometimes its a surprise,
and sometimes i can figure out what is going to happen
just by the look on your face.
I think im ready to give that up.
im ready to let that go.
i hope you can too...
and maybe we can be friends?


you scare me.
not because you look scary,
but because i feel like i dont know you anymore :(
im sorry for that,
i wish i could have saved you all the hurt and pain,
and all the bad choices and drama,
but i cant..
im not your saviour.
but there is someone that loves you very much.
(even more than i do)
and He wants to be your father... and best friend
I hope you see that, and let him in.
it will change your life..
and that would change mine.

I love you
i really do..
its hard at times though :(
i dont know what is going on right now,
but i am praying for you.
i wish you were more open-minded,
but i love you regardless

You continue to amaze me.
I know that sometimes we fight,
and want to KILL each other
but you are someone i care soo deeply about.
i pray for you alot too,
i dont want to see you get hurt.
if you do..
remember ill always be here for you.
im not going anywhere.

i hope God points us in the same direction
cause i dont think i can live my life without you...

read the book...

NOW WHAT????

i

dont

want

to

be

a

part

of

your

stupid

family

anymore

your words cut
your looks kill
your position makes me sad
your love is conditional
your hate brings me down
your passion scares me

-it hurts

and you wonder why i hurt...

i try... to make your life easier

i try... to push past the mistakes we both have made

i try... to be the best daughter in the world

i try... to understand why you do some of the things you do

i try... to have compassion like you do

i try... to have grace like you do

i try... to be outgoing like you are

i try... to show you that i love you, instead of just saying it

i try... to grow spiritually

i try... to love her, like you do

i try... to be half the person you are

i try...

i try...

i try...

i love you very much.

♥

Boy its been all this time
and i cant get you off my mind

nobody knows it but me

i stare at your photograph
still sleep in the shirt you left

nobody knows it but me

everyday i wipe my tears away
so many nights i pray for you to say

i should have been chasing you,
i should have been trying to prove
that you were all that mattered to me

i should have said all the things
that i kept inside of me
maybe i could have made you believe

that what we had was,

all we'd ever need

it was a nice evening,
we talked in amazement,
wonder,
and respect.

as soon as you walked in,
late.. after it was over (might i add)
both of us wanted to throw up
the darkness that surrounded you was overwhelming at times

we continued to talk,
even including you in the conversation.

everything we mentioned,
you shot down..
you had an explaination for all of it
like you wanted us to feel shame


NOTHING WE HAD TO SAY WAS SHAMEFULL!

NOTHING YOU HAD TO SAY WAS POSSITIVE!

i cant sit back and listen to you hurt people anymore
ill have something to say next time.

last night,

its what every day is supposed to be like.

In My presence.

Get ready.

I'm pulling together an army,

an army of warriors.

Nobody, or nothing will stand in their way.

I love you very much,

you are my children.

Battle needs to be done.

Come together,

unify and be one body in My name.

You are my chosen ones,

I need you to fight for me.

YOU are the one to lead them.

we sing... "Lord please come to us..."

they sing... "Lord thank you for meeting us..."



Who has it right???

Id say,

NOT US!

I want to be like them,
to have a love like theirs

Its the little things you do.
Its the gestures you make.
Its the messages you send.
Its the Voicemails I recieve.
Its the times we talk.
Its the notes you leave.
Its the time you take out of your day.

Its all these things...

They are the reason...





I HURT... please stop.

today i felt close to you.

like you werent gone to a place far away.

Like you were here with me

walking and talking,

dancing and singing.

Im pretty sure thats where i get my love for music

from you.

Im happy for that.

I know you could see them.

I know you could feel them.

why didnt you tell me about them,

while you still had the chance?

Now your gone...

I cant talk to you about it.

and quite frankly,

you are the only one who wouldnt think I was crazy.

Well, at least out of the people with the same blood as me.

I miss you.

but i can feel you.

Mostly when it rains.

I dont want the rain to stop.

once again..
i give it to you God.

i know i have to do this alot..
thank you for taking it every time
♥

you are my rock

i love you.

like a best friend would.

i need you to know that i am here for you.

even if you dont want the same things.

i forgive you.

for hurting me, and continuing to do so.

one day I know you will see.

I pray for you daily.

i love you.