today i was scared.
scared for my life.
i know im not finished here.
or else i would be gone.
which didnt seem like a bad idea.
besides missing my friends and family.
i know you have a plan for me God..
please show me what it is.
i wrote it down
because i wanted you to know
how it hurt
and why it hurt
i was to blame too
but i admitted it
you didnt.
thats why it hurt
thats why i couldnt let it go
you saw how it hurt
and did it anyways
you left me
now im leaving you
"He loves us, Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves"
This is real, and this is for me.
I have to tell myself that as I sit in the pew surrounded by teenagers.
Normally the alter call is given, and I stay back,
but tonight, something different is inside me.
"It's time Julie, give it to Me." - these are the words that rang softly over and over in my head.
Tired of fighting, I go up to the front and sit on the ground by the side, hoping no one notices im there.
I pray.
I cry.
I surrender.
Just when im about to leave, Im approached by the last person I want to see.
I knew as soon as he came and sat beside me that I would be free from the hurting, but I wasnt sure I was ready. I was scared.
"you know you have to give this up... are you ready?"
"of course im ready. im tired of carrying this pain and hurt around for so long."
"then repent and tell God you are sorry. Tell him you need him, and want him to fill the void."
long story short. I did.
and now please see inside what I was going through:
About 2 years ago, I was deeply hurt and my life was destroyed by someone who doesnt even know what they did. I was left alone in the world, when everything I know was tied to that person. My parents and I were fighting more and more, and I didnt have anywhere to go, but deep inside myself. It was then that I built a wall. Not a physical wall (although at some points it felt like it), but a wall in my heart. With each and everyday my heart that was once so tender and loving became something that I didnt even know, black, cold, careless. Something that I tried to cover up. I think I did pretty well. I was scared to let people in, scared to show them my true self, for fear of rejection and hurt. I decided that it was easier to build a wall, and not let people get too close to me so that if this rejection did come along, it wouldnt hurt because I had something to protect my heart. For a while it worked. But little did I know it was slowly making me someone I didnt even want to be, someone I was not proud of at all. Slowly my closest friends (the ones that I knew I could let in) began to realize that I had this wall, and they called me out on it. I became the girl "who had lots of love to give, but who couldnt let anyone love her back." So that brought me to January 15, 2010, the day that it all changed. With a little repentance, and forgivness. The wall that was surrounding my heart has been destroyed. I am now the girl who has lots of love to give, and can let others express that back to her. It was that night that God let me know just how beautiful, special, and important I am, not only to Him, but to many others around me. For a long time I literally felt a physical wall surrounding my heart, but now I am proud to say I am FREE.. i can breath again. So with that, I would just like to say...
Thank you.
- to the ones that fought to tear down the wall, even though in the end it was me that had to break it.
- to my family, for sticking through this with me, even though you had no idea why i was so hard to live with
- to the many leaders and pastor in my amazing youth group, who werent always sure what was going on, but made me feel welcome anyways.
- to God, for helping my break down the wall, and helping me see me. (the way He views me)
serisouly THANK YOU <3
the past.
its a scary place.
a place that people never want to relive.
a place where their fears are revealed.
a place that everyone trys to get away from.
there is healing in our past.
healing in the mistakes we have made.
the fact that we move on,
and learn to see the truth that came out of the past.
to see the fact that we are no longer in the past.
the past is supposed to be forgotten.
the past is supposed to be yesterday's problem.
but somehow you still haunt me everyday.
your fragrance.
your touch.
your soft words.
your ability to make me smile like no one else.
your security.
everything i know is in you.
as i try to break free of you..
everytime i get a sign or a message that says you still want me.
but.... Today that is over.
im tired of being hurt.
tired of being used.
tired of being second best.
tired of being humiliated.
tired of my emotions being displayed with nothing to take from it.
you are my past.
you are yesterday's problem.
I will never forget you.
but i will learn from the hurt, pain, and fear you caused me.
YOU ARE MY PAST
she sits.
and waits.
its nothing out of the ordinary
time she tries to pass every single day
the times when she is alone, and without anyone.
the times that her soul longs to be with people.
a feeling of fear runs through her body
people actually trust her to be alone?
the obviously dont know the pain that is eating her inside
the feelings of trial and seperation.
anxiety, and frustration.
but the most important,
the lonliness.
she sits.
and waits.
in the lobby of a large empty school
a school that was filled with hundreds of students just hours ago
some older and mature, some young and naive
some dark and some light, some happy and some sad
some filled with fear, some filled with peace
some filled with pain, and some filled with joy.
but somehow she feels like she cant relate to anyone.
she sits.
and waits.
and feels hurt and afraid
like there is something missing in her life.
like there is a hole, un-fillable
a place that no one knows deep inside her is broken,
bleeding
wounded.
SHATTERED.
